Afraid

Last night we were watching 'Finding Dory' at your home. I was lying on your lap. I felt like it's a dream. A dream that is way too wonderful. I turned to look at you. You were so focus watching the movie.

Dear, I love you.

It's such simple happiness. I wish to own this simple happiness until the end of my life.

Do you?

I felt so afraid that I might be losing you. I felt afraid that you actually didn't love me. I felt afraid that you might love someone else. I felt afraid that you might change your love towards me. I felt afraid that you might cheat me, betray me, scold me, hit me... I felt afraid that you would abandon me.

I love you. I love our simple happiness. I don't want to lose you. And I also don't want to lose our simple happiness.

I love you, and only you.

Simple

I want to live simple life. I know guys always want to make something great once in lifetime. You too, I know, want to contribute something to this world.

I always know that if guys who are ambitious often neglect their families. They tend to face more trials and temptations. They become richer, more confident, proud and losing humanity. They then will forget their wives, children, family and friends. They have so little time with family and friends because they want to pursue other huge things in life. Maybe you want fame, wealth and power.

I feel sad if you become like that, and leave me behind. I feel sad if you neglect me and treat me coldly like stranger. I wish that you can always spend more time with me, with family.

I don't need you to become someone great that is well-known. I just need you to be my lover, my husband and my shoulder.

Don't leave me crying alone again.... Wuhuhu

Love Test

1. If it's the end of world, you can save only one type of animals, which one would u choose to save?
a. rabbit
b. goat c. deer d. horse
2. U visited african tribe, the head of tribe insisted you to choose one type of animal to bring home as gift, which would u choose? a. monkey b. lion c. snake d. giraffe
3. you committed sin, God wanna punish u to transform u into an animal, what would u choose? a. dog b. cat c. horse d. snake
4. if you gain a power to make one type of animal to disappear, what is it? a. lion b. snake c. crocodile d. shark
5. you came into an animal that can speak like human, you wish it is ...? a. goat b. horse c. rabbit d. bird
6. You are alone on an island, what animal you choose to keep your company a. dog b. pig c. cow d. bird
7. if you can tame all animals, what animal u choose to be your pet? a. dinosaur b. white tiger c. polar bear d. cheetah/panther
8. if you can bcome an animal for 5 min, what u wanan be ?
a. lion b. cat c. horse d. dove


1. in real life, u r attracted by what kind of people?
b goat - obedient and warm
i chose d - freedom
2. what kind of method that makes u fall in love hopelessly
u n i chose d giraffe - patient, wont giv up on you forever
3. what impression u wanna giv to ur lover
u chose a - dog - loyal, never change i chose c - optimistic
4. what personality u hate d most that will cause u break up
u chose c - crocodile - cold blood and sarcastic i chose b - snake - emotional, and dono how to please him
5. what kind of relationship u wanna build with ur lover
u chose b - horse - u can talk about everything, no secrets i chose d - bird - u care about present and also care about future, a relationship that u can together with
6. will you have affair? dog - care about society and morality, after married, you wont make this mistakes
7. how u think about marriage?
white tiger - u think marriage is very precious, once married, you appreciate marriage and ur partner
8. at this moment, how do u think about love
d- you think love is both sides keep promises to each other


I love you Lao Gong
Hugs Hugs

Roller Coaster

Today we had been through roller coaster. Different mixed feelings throughout the day. 

Early morning you noticed my changes. You said I was cold. I didn't want to tell. You kept persuading me to tell. When you hugged me, I couldn't control my tears. You promised that you won't get angry. Then I told you what was troubling me. I was very, very, very sad. You hugged and comforted me. Before this, we have been through this multiple times, but never this close distance. Before this, I might hinted you, told you, but I never showed my real feelings so openly because I kept in heart for months. But this morning I felt so sad and heartbroken again. I was surprised that you noticed my difference although you didn't realize that I actually cried already. But when you were hugging me, I really couldn't control my tears anymore. It's not easy for me, to love someone, to accept someone, to continue staying in relationship. You tried to cheer me up. And I told myself that I would be fine. 

In afternoon we met your friends. Your friends are so funny and cute. You talked a lot about your mutual friends and recent lifestyle. I laughed when they asked you about us. You looked so panicked and kept changing topics. I wanted to tell them more about us but I didn't because I was afraid that you might not like it. At the end, I asked them about you instead. They told me a lot of things about you. I feel very happy. 'He can cook'. But you always failed cooking red bean soup and so on. 'Sangat manja' 'Kuat merajuk' 'Kutuk orang lain tapi orang lain tak boleh kutuknya' 'Bring him to shopping because he will carry all bags' 'Let us go to his room and play games' 

Is he handsome?

He now looks more handsome, I think he lost some weight oh?

He is not handsome type, he is cute type. 

(Well. this part I made up)

You were paying bill at the counter. I then asked them a question.

Is he trustworthy?

Yes, he is good.

Yes, don't worry.

okay. I smiled.

It was a very lovely gathering. I'm glad that we had short gathering with them. Because last night you seem bored at wedding dinner and disappointed with some of them. This morning I tried to ask you to date them but you refused. Luckily they took initiative to date you. If not you might be still very disappointed.

This evening I had some family problem. And you regretted that you didn't allow me to go home. You were guilty that I got scolded. (aha, in future, you will learn to avoid me getting scolded again, alright.) Dear, it's okay, don't worry. I'm fine. I feel very guilty too. and I also want to show love and care towards my family. Actually I also hope that you can learn to show love and care towards your family too. Talk patiently to your parents. Don't always say 'zuo mok' when you answer their calls (and my calls too). Please smile when you talk to them on phone. They can feel it. Let's show more passion towards our family ok. 

Dear, I'm glad we had short getaway. And I'm glad we met up my friends and also your friends. Thanks for bringing me to Al's wedding dinner, it's my first time attending Iban's wedding. Thanks for introducing me as your girlfriend to your friends. Thanks for saying to them that you plan to get married next year (although sometimes I doubt that you can make it happen). Thanks for comforting me when I'm sad. Thanks for showing your love and care towards me.

Never break my heart. Never lie to me. And never betray me. 

I love you. Muaks 

124days @ 4months

happy 4-month anniversary

my love.

after last weekend, I feel a lot secured. I feel much better towards our relationship. you finally did it. which appeared to be a bomb in my heart for this long. and I finally met your family. it gave me a lot of assurance. meeting your family was like a dream.

now I have more confidence in you & our relationship. I feel a lot secured.

thank you 老公

I hope that you can continue to be more sensitive, romantic & details.

hugs hugs~ muaks muaks

draw a ring

this morning, I get you a ring.

a heart shape ring.

my dear, I love you..

will you marry me? hehe please say 'yes' although it's just a drawing ring..

I miss you.

goodnight, my love. hope you have a wonderful week ahead

beautiful evening

19 November 2016

I had dinner with you and your family on this day. We were stressed and nervous. In the end we felt glad and relieved.

I'm happy meeting your family. I was very worried what if they don't accept me, what if they don't like me. I hope they can accept me. I hope they will like me.

Sitting together with your family, having dinner with them, it's very warm and sweet. Your father, your mother and your sister all have very warm and friendly smiles. They make me feel better. Hm, it makes me wonder why you don't smile much like them.

While you were busy playing TOS, I went to the river side and watched the sky. It was very beautiful. Too bad you didn't want to join me. wuhuhu. The sky was so beautiful. It's pity you missed it. Heh. I played the swing for a while. I felt so relaxed and happy. I even imagined that we can bring our kids here in future. While waiting for dinner, kids can play in playground just behind the restaurant.

My Dear, Thank you for the dinner. And thanks to your family for their time. I hope that they are not disappointed with me.

My Love, I'm glad to be your family. Muaks Muaks.

I love you.

I love piu~

馮業興

So yesterday I finally know how to write your Chinese name.
Aha, hehehe, you should learn how to write too.
馮業興 (this is the traditional chinese words)
and
冯业兴(this is the modern chinese words)
And it's not Yue Xin.
It's actually Ye Xing.

Picture: written by your mom

The Way We Were

Recently I'm into a drama, titled 'The Way We Were', Its Chinese name is 'Sixteen Summers' (16个夏天).

It's been a long time since I've watched drama or movie through TV channel. That I will feel to wait for it, and watch it when it's the time.

The story is about a gang of 5 friends. JiaNi (Ruby) loves WeiDe and WeiDe loves her too, but they always miss the chances getting together throughout 16 years. They have other 3 friends, JunJie that loves JiaNi. GuoQing that loves RuiRui. And RuiRui that loves JiaNi (yes, lesbian).

It's complicated. And it's sad ending too.

16 years ago, 1999, JiaNi and WeiDe confessed to each other by hinting but never passed the message to one another successfully. JunJie got injured for saving JiaNi. Thinking that himself cannot give happiness to Jiani, and thinking that JunJie can give her better life, WeiDe cowardly stepped back and left the gang.

In 2008, JiaNi and WeiDe coincidenly met.
But JiaNi and JunJie got married, and WeiDe had a fiancee.
They still love each other.
It's so sad. They had missed their chance.
JunJie betrayed JiaNi by having sex with RuiRui. JiaNi found out and was very hurt. She confronted RuiRui. RuiRui said she would leave for USA and eventually confessed that actually she loves JiaNi. RuiRui was upset that JunJie loves JiaNi, WeiDe loves JiaNi too, but why cant she love JiaNi too. JiaNi was shocked... and she chose to divorce JunJie...

3 years later...
All of them attended GuoQing's wedding and met again. Both JiaNi and WeiDe became single and available. They once again had the chance. They grabbed the chance I guess...
Too bad WeiDe was diagnosed with cancer. And he's dying soon. I'm not sure when they got married. but I know they were together when he was dying. They were holding hands when he left.

Even after WeiDe died, he prepared gifts for his wife. He actually wrote blog for his love since long time ago. There was a part which I found very touching. That he said.

Missing the chances is beautiful because it makes them to believe that they are really the ones for one another. Although they keep missing each other, they really really love each other.

There was also another part very touching. That she said during his funeral.
I don't want to miss him again. This will be the last time I miss him. When we meet again next time, we will be together forever (heaven).

Dear, I wish that you and I can be together till we are old. I wish that you and I will love each other forever. In the past, in SMK Methodist, in Kota Kinabalu, in Daro, you and I might have missed chances to meet each other and to love each other and to get together.

But I'm grateful that eventually now we have found each other. We finally get to see and love each other.

I love you, my love.

relaxing

I feel relaxed. it's very rare as im always tensed & busy. I feel relieved after letting go of the burden that my mom caused me so much stress. I don't have to face my naughty & disobedient students. I can wake up late & come home early. I love staying home. watching YouTube, listening to new songs, reading Facebook, watching some tv drama, reading some book.

and I anticipate & looking forward to our trips. I believe that we will be very happy & relaxed. I love you 老公

I hope that in future we still can on overseas trip alone together every year even after we have children or after we are old.

just you & me all the time.

muaks muaks~

BLUE

today I feel blue. I'm having tough time with my family. my mom especially gives me a lot of stress. I become very sad, angry & negative. i feel so blue.

today i miss you. i keep texting you but you seem not texting me much. i feel that you are distant, and cold.

i feel even more blue. when you wake up, you didn't text me. i wonder why. you started to forget me. i thought maybe ur angry at me or i upset you.

i miss you 老公.

hope you get well soon. recover asap. please take good care of urself. i love you.

btw, this noon i bought gingko for you already.

Love

老公, i feel little stressed of meeting your family. I woke up at midnight & couldn't stop thinking of it. im so scared that they wont like me. i hope that they can accept me.

after knowing that ur worried about coming weeks, I feel little sad. i think everything will be fine. meeting ur family. meeting ur friends. completing ur assignment. & our first overseas trip together.

im sorry that you feel so tired. but i will be with you all time. we will be fine. everything will be fine.

love you, honey. i love you. i hope that you can be happy everyday. I hope this photo can cheer you up.

I'm glad that our preparation for photoshooting is done. it's just for fun & experimental. i just wanna do something special together with you. some beautiful & unique memories we can create together.


thank you 老公

Love Tattoo

i feel very happy while hand drawing a heart shape on your arm. I love being naughty. & I love making you angry over little things like this. I always like to kacau you. you look so cute & funny when you are a little angry but not very angry. heh

I don't allow you to wipe it off. it's a love mark. hehe. I actually wanna write chris loves ivy. but afraid that you might get too angry so I gave up. i wanna see it again this afternoon.

you complained that I've drawn too big.
I said that this size is too small. next time I shall draw on your wrist, as big as a watch, as if you're wearing one on right wrist.

thank you, 老公, I love you. I hope that you will love the heart shape tattoo. because I wanna draw again in future.

muaks muaks~

Nightmare

I couldn't sleep well recently. Many dreams. Anxiety and tension. I am a person that is very attached to own emotions and memories.

I dreamed that you forgot to print our boarding pass. I dreamed that you forgot to buy our things. I dreamed that you told me that you loved someone else.

Dreams told me what I really feel deep in the bottom of my heart which I choose to ignore. I didn't expect that I will feel this sad. And I didn't expect that I would be this stressed.

My right eye always jumps this week. 

Superstitiously speaking, right eye jumping means for good thing happen.

Don't worry.

I will let it go.

And I will be happy.

\(^-^)/

Lazy Day

It's been a while that I could feel this lazy. No need to worry about entering classes. No need to do much school work. No need to leave school late.  Just read some book until I fall asleep on couch. Just do roses thing. Just feel the cool breeze due to the rainy day. Just need to sit down and online. Just need to play facebook, chat with auntie or friends, read some articles. Just need to listening to Daniela Andrade's singing. I'm so loving her voice. Her voice makes me feel so lazy and relaxed. 

When I was at Daesco today, with my colleagues, I kept thinking of you. I remember the Sushi King is your favorite cafe. Daseco is your favorite supermarket. I miss how you sit beside me, how you refill the hot water for green tea, how you keep me warm by hugging my arms, how you feed me sushi. I also miss how you help me to carry things in supermarket, how you hold my Ihand while carrying heavy grocery to your car. 

Lao gong, I miss you. Wuhuhu. The moment I miss you so much is you carrying my heavy stuff. haha

And also holding hand part too la...

You must be having a lazy day too, because you took a long nap. I hope that you could feel better after the nap. 

On a lazy day, I miss how we cuddle together on couch. Doing nothing, saying nothing, just cuddling together. Just love being lazy together. Khiak khiak

See you tomorrow, my love. Muaks Muaks. 

In the Middle the Week

You really came back.

I'm happy to see you.
How I wish that I can see you everyday. I wish that I can hug you everyday. Feel so nice to lie on your chest and listen to your heartbeat.

Seeing each other everyday seems to be impossible for us now, unless it's school holidays or you get transfer back to Sibu.
I feel happy every time I hear you say that you miss me and 'bu she de' me.
Because it means I'm not the only one feeling the same way.

Not weekend, today. It's middle of the week. And you purposely came back.
Thank you, Honey.
I love you.
Hugs Hugs.

It must be very tiring for you to drive so long hours back and forth in a day.
I'm happy that we spent 4 hours together today.

PS: Don't do it again in future, ok. I'm worried about your safety.

I miss you too.
Muaks Muaks.

Hmm

Apology is accepted.













And I love you too.

Learn to Understand Me Better

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-insight-womens-emotions-lal/

http://www.wikihow.com/Understand-Women

http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/08/what-women-really-want-in-a-relationship/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-the-questions/201401/six-keys-understanding-women

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10055799/Forgetful-husband-takes-out-full-page-ad-declaring-his-love.html

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/forgetfulness-so-hurtful

Shoulder

Today I had a fight with my mother. I'm really very heartbroken. Everything she says hurts me so much. I'm really very disappointed with her. I don't want to talk to her anymore unless important matter.

My mother is not a mother. I believe that there are good mothers and also terrible mothers. And my mother is the worst mother. I hate her. But also I love her. I hate her so much that sometimes I wish her dead. I love her so much that I would feel lonely if she died. Very dramatic.

She should be the angel that loves me, protects me and care for me. But she never does so. That is why I'm so independent. I don't need her in my life. In fact, she needs me more than I need her. I always hope that I don't have her in my life. I always entertain her. I always try to please her. I always try to make her happy. But she is never satisfied. She takes me for granted. She bullies me. She doesn't love me like other normal mothers. She is never gentle, soft and caring. She is selfish, self-centered, narrow-minded, easily angered, emotional and childish.

I hate her.

I really hate her.

But still I really love her.

That is why I cannot leave her behind. Because she has only me. Because if I left her, she has nobody else to look after her. Sometimes I hope she and I can be like other mother and daughter, chatting happily and sharing everything. But I can't. It's impossible for me to chat nicely with her because she always angers me. It's impossible for me to share everything with her because she never approves of me and says negative comments towards my doing.

I'm tired of being a daughter, especially being her daughter. I feel so tired.

She should be the angel to protect me under her wings. Yet she hurts me with her words, her words as if arrow penetrates my heart.

My love. I'm blessed to have you. You to be the shoulder that I can lie on, cry on. You made my life better. You listened to me. You understand me. Thank you my love.

All I need is your shoulder. I want to lie on your shoulder and cry. My love, please never mistreat me like my mom does. Please don't break my heart like my mom does.

My love, I will always love you. I will always appreciate you.

I need you.

Love Yourself More

Dear Lao Gong

I'm waiting for you to come home although we are not staying at same house, yet. I'm looking forward to seeing you, being held hand by you, being hugged by you, and eating together with you. I love you. Muaks

Lao Gong, I feel sad that people always bully you. You look too kind and you are too kind. Please love yourself more. Please reject people's ridiculous request. They are so stupid and mean. I dislike them. I feel sad that you always being bullied. I hope that I could be there and scold them for you.

Lao Gong, Sayang sayang. Muaks Muaks. Hug Hug. I wish that you feel much better after telling me and me listening to you, and me scolding them for you. I wish that you let it go after knowing that I'm here for you. I hope that I have reduced your unhappiness by half.

Lao Gong, please drive safely home. I wish that we can hold hands until we are very old. I wish that you and I could be together forever. So please take good care of yourself.

Drive safely.

Protect yourself.

Love yourself more.

Because I love you.

The Letter

I just read your blog and I feel surprised to see the first letter I wrote to you. It's written on 22nd of June, and what a coincidence, that we get together on 22nd of July, one month right after that.

I still remember the moments I wrote this letter. It was the night before I left Daro. I felt something very strongly that night, about Daro. I wonder if it's loneliness or sadness. But I know that I really started to miss Daro. Nostalgic. I hated Daro, to be honest. Just like you, I also hated Daro. But I spent 5 years in Daro. Five years such a long time. During those 5 years, I wrote 3 books and completed my master course. The five year time caused me feel so sentimental that night. I always prayed to God that I wanted to leave Daro within 5 years. And God had answered to my prayer. Five years, He made it happen.

My best friend in Daro was PeiYing but she left earlier than me. And I was so alone. I was very grateful that at least I got you after she left. That's why I also always accompanied you back then. You and I always had stuff to talk about. And I felt so comfortable being together with you. I trusted you a lot as a friend. But I never thought too much, you know.  Because we never really had flirty or sparks thing happened between us. When I started to take leave, I started to miss the moments we had breakfast and dinner together, and our car rides too. But then I didn't think much.

Because I guess we would never be in love. I thought it's impossible for you to love me, and me to love. And I thought there're so many things that I didn't like you about you (but soon after we getting together, you quit smoking and lose weight). I didn't think much.

20th of June, I went back to Daro, To settle my transfer, pack my stuff and move away from Daro. I felt very alone actually. And luckily I had you back then. You accompanied me most of the time. I still remember that 22nd of June was a public holiday. That day you stayed at my quarters and helped me to pack my stuff while I was preparing my serah tugas documents. I was very touched. That day I thought that you were such a good friend. And I really prayed for you, you know. I really prayed to God so that He will prepare some girl who is kind and nice for you, to be your wife.

'You are such a nice person. But you're not mine' I thought.

Hm, now I'm happy because you're mine. Haha. =D

That night, after everything packed, after I settled everything, I felt so empty. It's like a dream that I came to Daro. And everything I experienced in Daro just like a dream. Even my transfer still like a dream. Everything is short.

And I realized that I had some feelings towards you that night. I knew that I have feelings for you. But I didn't want to develop it or confess to you or start anything with you. It seemed ridiculous to me that time. And I was very disappointed with love. In the past, I tried to love but I never made it.

I didn't want to try anymore.

So I wrote the letter. I didn't want to confess. I didn't want to start anything with you. I didn't even want to develop the feelings. I just wanted to write a letter to you. I hoped that you could change and improve yourself, to be a better man, and get together with a nice girl. I wished that you could be a happy man.

I wanted you to be a happy man.

And, I still want you to be a happy man.

I prayed to God that I didn't want to do anything, but if you were the one, let you be the one who confessed. To be honest, I never expected that you really would confess because I couldn't feel a bit of your love at all. you confessed to me at the right timing. And I didn't expect that the letter that I wrote could bring so much influence to you, and to me. I was surprised and touched when I first heard you said that actually you could first time sense my love in that letter.

I guess, you and I are really kinda connected.

My love. I'm grateful that I met you, know you, and in love with you. I wish that we could be loving forever. I also wish that you could be with me all the time as long as I live.

I love you, Muaks Muaks.

Tiring Day

Today I feel very tired. Before woke up, I already started my day in my dreams. I dreamed that I had fetched Catherine, Alice and Suok. And I also dreamed that I had to enter class 1F already. After getting up, I had to go through same thing again, but differently, of course. In dreams, all seemed difficult. In real life, it turned out to be okay.

Right after I reached my desk, Siew Ming already came to my desk and discussed the MAK sijil thing. I wanted to start early so that I can finish by this Friday as I won't be around school from next week onward because I will invigilate SPM exam. It took me some time to getting back the feelings on how to do mail merging. Always need recall back some time.

Then Suok suddenly informed me something while I was being very busy. I can't just ignore her as I think she must be very depressed. I hope I could at least help her to feel better. I then tried to seek some ways for her to figure it out in order to solve it.

I'm sorry I forgot to see your text and reply you. I'm sorry, Honey.

And I'm sorry that I made you feel bad. I didn't hurt you on purpose. You promised that you will come completely honest with me before we become couple. Then when I found out that you lied, of course suddenly I feel very insecure and uneasy.

This time I can forgive and forget you. But promise me that you won't lie to me again, okay? I really don like liars. Don't misuse my trust. Please, no matter what.

And I'm also sorry that I laughed when you were crying. I didn't make fun of you. I was just very relieved. And the way you cried really like manja-ing with me. I'm sorry that I didn't comfort you better. I love you, Lao Gong. I hope that you can be more honest with me. I feel bad after knowing that actually I have been burdened you without knowing the truth. Please share everything with me. I won't despise you. And I hope that I can know your situation more, regardless which kind of situation.

I had a very tiring day. Busy with classes, sijil thing, meeting, buying tomato juice etc for dad, feeding dad dinner, doing school work too. I always think that time is never enough.

At the end of the day, I wish that I can hug you to sleep.

Hugs Hugs, Honey.

I love you

Necklace & Earrings

I love those earrings & necklace because it's you who gave them to me as gift. I love them also because you said that I look beautiful wearing them. I want to wear them every Sunday if possible (match with my dress). I always wear decently to church on Sunday. I always wear dress and perform the best of me in front of God. And I believe that I look the best in those earrings & necklace. because you made me feel so.
老公 you started going church with me on 21August2016. it's been 2 months already. I feel very blissful & grateful that I have you by my side while we were listening to God's words. I know it's not easy for you. don't worry, okay. I will be there with you. I felt glad that you said you're getting used to going church with me.
Darling I have faith in you because I have faith in God who arranged you to love me & pamper me.
老公 I will always love you.