sleep

it's 3am, I woke up & couldn't fall sleep again. I feel stressed. I couldn't stop worrying & thinking.

im worried that I might oversleep again today. im worried that I couldn't manage to get up & breakfast with you. Im worried I will let you down.

recently I always have bad dreams. sometimes it's about you abandon me. sometimes it's about people I don like. sometimes it's about school. sometimes it's the past.

I have a lot of responsibility & stress. I feel helpless & sad. before this. I not dare to paktoh because I don think I got time for it. I guess I was right.

does that mean I should nvr pakto?

im sorry, my dear.

I feel sad. I miss u. & I need you.

but I also understand that if you feel tired & unhappy with me, with current relationship, if you think I cant fulfill your wish & desire, if you wish to stop, I understand. im sad. im crying now. I want u to be happy. seeing that I always cant make you happy, I feel sad & stressed.

you know, everyday I feel tired, sad, angry, but still Im anticipated to meet you. I looking forward to seeing you, cuddling with you. it's the best time of my day although it's short time. but I cant be selfish I know.

I love you.

I hope that you love me & my family too.

Merry Christmas, love

my dear, it's our first Christmas. thank you for being together with on Christmas eve & Christmas day.

you make my Christmas meaningful & happy.

I love you, and I already start feeling sad that we left only one week holidays. I miss you a lot. I rarely show my emotion, I hide my emotion well in my heart.

I prepared couple mugs for you. with our Bali photos printed on mugs. I hope you like the mugs.

thank you for making 100 paper hearts for me. you put effort in it. im touched. I feel happy everytime I see it. I can feel your love. I really love it.

thank you for giving me the flowery dress. you really surprised me. im happy. you already surprised me when you gave me the line app grey tshirt. last night you surprised me again.

thank you for bringing me to cafe2 for a romantic dinner. it's like a dream.

dear, I love dancing with you..I feel so happy dancing together with you. I love cuddling with you while watching tv. it's so perfect. I wish I can be with you like that forever.

my love, are you real?

you are the best thing that ever happened to me.

you are the sweetest thing in my life.

you are the best guy.

you are the most handsome in my eyes.



I miss you already.
dear Chris, merry Christmas. I wanna spend every Christmas with you. please stay with me always.

I love you.

22nd

happy 5 month anniversary


I have no regrets

I love you

today Christmas gift has come. I cant wait to give you. hope you wont be disappointed.

dear Chris, I love you

Pura Ulun Danu Bratan

To me, during our Bali trip, this place is the most memorable place. firstly, it's my first time visit. secondly, you rode the scooter for two hours in order to reach there & another two hours back to Ubud. thirdly, our scooter was out of petrol for two times, going there one time & coming back one time.

Pura ulun danu bratan is the name of the temple. it looks like a pagoda. unexpectedly, it's actually at highland. I didn't expect the lake will be on the mount.

dear, I know that you were nervous & stressed about the rainy weather & petrol. you seem afraid that I might get angry & scold you. 老公, I wont. yet I think that it's very interesting experience. a lot of fun. a lot of memories.

when you were away with the kind uncle, i was sitting alone on scooter seat, there were 2 cars driving past & honking at me. that time I was a little afraid but I still enjoyed the scene a lot. it's very quiet & peaceful.

when you came back to me in such a short time, I felt surprised & happy.

another memory on this day is you were unhappy that I gave you direction to bebek bengil too slow. in order to punish you, I insisted to ride back home. there were a few reasons I wanna ride actually. firstly, I wanna ride just because I wanna ride, even just short distance, because I wanna experience it again. secondly, I wanna let you know how I actually felt sitting behind you, although you thought you were stable, you neglected my feeling & anxiety. I wanna let you feel hw I feel. even if you are stable, I still worry. it's not your problem, nt my problem, it's just naturally happening. thirdly, it's so much fun riding, with you behind, sense your nervousness, I feel a lot of happiness. wahaha. that s why I couldn't stop laughing at the end & stopped by roadside. if not, I could have gone back homestay.


honey, you are very sweet.

my dear, I love you. & I need you. and you are my shoulder. muaks.

thank you for everything.

short hair

18 December 2016

I got myself jellyfish hairstyle. I'm the type of girl that won't cry if my hair turnt out awful or too short after a cut (maybe yeah when I was 5)

hair will grow. that s what I think.

so my dear, let's shave our heads together one day in future. let's go bald for raising awareness of cancer.

my love, I love you.

I love you.

Bali

老公

my dear

thank you for going to Bali with me.
thank you for riding scooter those days in Bali.
thank you for holding my hand all the time (I feel safe that I wont fall down as easily as usual)
thank you for not hurting my feeling (saying you not dislike the home stay that i like)
thank you for willingly taking prewedding photos together with me (what more we didn't even hire any cameraman or make-up/hair-do beautician)
thank you for feeding me because you afraid i might be hungry
thank you for making my dreams come true(going to Bali with my lover, seeing sunset at uluwatu & legian beach, having dinner on jimbaran beach, self prewedding photoshooting at beach & gunung merta bungalows, riding scooter with lover)


I love you more & more.
I become more confident in you, and also in our relationship.


im glad that we made it through.
i wish that we could be maintain this loving forever.
i hope that we can go on overseas trip every year. (just you & me)


dear Chris, I love all the photos we selected tonight. 100 photos. because it cannot be done without you or me. we make it together.


my dear, my honey, i love you.

muaks muaks~~~😘😘😘

Afraid

Last night we were watching 'Finding Dory' at your home. I was lying on your lap. I felt like it's a dream. A dream that is way too wonderful. I turned to look at you. You were so focus watching the movie.

Dear, I love you.

It's such simple happiness. I wish to own this simple happiness until the end of my life.

Do you?

I felt so afraid that I might be losing you. I felt afraid that you actually didn't love me. I felt afraid that you might love someone else. I felt afraid that you might change your love towards me. I felt afraid that you might cheat me, betray me, scold me, hit me... I felt afraid that you would abandon me.

I love you. I love our simple happiness. I don't want to lose you. And I also don't want to lose our simple happiness.

I love you, and only you.

Simple

I want to live simple life. I know guys always want to make something great once in lifetime. You too, I know, want to contribute something to this world.

I always know that if guys who are ambitious often neglect their families. They tend to face more trials and temptations. They become richer, more confident, proud and losing humanity. They then will forget their wives, children, family and friends. They have so little time with family and friends because they want to pursue other huge things in life. Maybe you want fame, wealth and power.

I feel sad if you become like that, and leave me behind. I feel sad if you neglect me and treat me coldly like stranger. I wish that you can always spend more time with me, with family.

I don't need you to become someone great that is well-known. I just need you to be my lover, my husband and my shoulder.

Don't leave me crying alone again.... Wuhuhu

Love Test

1. If it's the end of world, you can save only one type of animals, which one would u choose to save?
a. rabbit
b. goat c. deer d. horse
2. U visited african tribe, the head of tribe insisted you to choose one type of animal to bring home as gift, which would u choose? a. monkey b. lion c. snake d. giraffe
3. you committed sin, God wanna punish u to transform u into an animal, what would u choose? a. dog b. cat c. horse d. snake
4. if you gain a power to make one type of animal to disappear, what is it? a. lion b. snake c. crocodile d. shark
5. you came into an animal that can speak like human, you wish it is ...? a. goat b. horse c. rabbit d. bird
6. You are alone on an island, what animal you choose to keep your company a. dog b. pig c. cow d. bird
7. if you can tame all animals, what animal u choose to be your pet? a. dinosaur b. white tiger c. polar bear d. cheetah/panther
8. if you can bcome an animal for 5 min, what u wanan be ?
a. lion b. cat c. horse d. dove


1. in real life, u r attracted by what kind of people?
b goat - obedient and warm
i chose d - freedom
2. what kind of method that makes u fall in love hopelessly
u n i chose d giraffe - patient, wont giv up on you forever
3. what impression u wanna giv to ur lover
u chose a - dog - loyal, never change i chose c - optimistic
4. what personality u hate d most that will cause u break up
u chose c - crocodile - cold blood and sarcastic i chose b - snake - emotional, and dono how to please him
5. what kind of relationship u wanna build with ur lover
u chose b - horse - u can talk about everything, no secrets i chose d - bird - u care about present and also care about future, a relationship that u can together with
6. will you have affair? dog - care about society and morality, after married, you wont make this mistakes
7. how u think about marriage?
white tiger - u think marriage is very precious, once married, you appreciate marriage and ur partner
8. at this moment, how do u think about love
d- you think love is both sides keep promises to each other


I love you Lao Gong
Hugs Hugs

Roller Coaster

Today we had been through roller coaster. Different mixed feelings throughout the day. 

Early morning you noticed my changes. You said I was cold. I didn't want to tell. You kept persuading me to tell. When you hugged me, I couldn't control my tears. You promised that you won't get angry. Then I told you what was troubling me. I was very, very, very sad. You hugged and comforted me. Before this, we have been through this multiple times, but never this close distance. Before this, I might hinted you, told you, but I never showed my real feelings so openly because I kept in heart for months. But this morning I felt so sad and heartbroken again. I was surprised that you noticed my difference although you didn't realize that I actually cried already. But when you were hugging me, I really couldn't control my tears anymore. It's not easy for me, to love someone, to accept someone, to continue staying in relationship. You tried to cheer me up. And I told myself that I would be fine. 

In afternoon we met your friends. Your friends are so funny and cute. You talked a lot about your mutual friends and recent lifestyle. I laughed when they asked you about us. You looked so panicked and kept changing topics. I wanted to tell them more about us but I didn't because I was afraid that you might not like it. At the end, I asked them about you instead. They told me a lot of things about you. I feel very happy. 'He can cook'. But you always failed cooking red bean soup and so on. 'Sangat manja' 'Kuat merajuk' 'Kutuk orang lain tapi orang lain tak boleh kutuknya' 'Bring him to shopping because he will carry all bags' 'Let us go to his room and play games' 

Is he handsome?

He now looks more handsome, I think he lost some weight oh?

He is not handsome type, he is cute type. 

(Well. this part I made up)

You were paying bill at the counter. I then asked them a question.

Is he trustworthy?

Yes, he is good.

Yes, don't worry.

okay. I smiled.

It was a very lovely gathering. I'm glad that we had short gathering with them. Because last night you seem bored at wedding dinner and disappointed with some of them. This morning I tried to ask you to date them but you refused. Luckily they took initiative to date you. If not you might be still very disappointed.

This evening I had some family problem. And you regretted that you didn't allow me to go home. You were guilty that I got scolded. (aha, in future, you will learn to avoid me getting scolded again, alright.) Dear, it's okay, don't worry. I'm fine. I feel very guilty too. and I also want to show love and care towards my family. Actually I also hope that you can learn to show love and care towards your family too. Talk patiently to your parents. Don't always say 'zuo mok' when you answer their calls (and my calls too). Please smile when you talk to them on phone. They can feel it. Let's show more passion towards our family ok. 

Dear, I'm glad we had short getaway. And I'm glad we met up my friends and also your friends. Thanks for bringing me to Al's wedding dinner, it's my first time attending Iban's wedding. Thanks for introducing me as your girlfriend to your friends. Thanks for saying to them that you plan to get married next year (although sometimes I doubt that you can make it happen). Thanks for comforting me when I'm sad. Thanks for showing your love and care towards me.

Never break my heart. Never lie to me. And never betray me. 

I love you. Muaks 

124days @ 4months

happy 4-month anniversary

my love.

after last weekend, I feel a lot secured. I feel much better towards our relationship. you finally did it. which appeared to be a bomb in my heart for this long. and I finally met your family. it gave me a lot of assurance. meeting your family was like a dream.

now I have more confidence in you & our relationship. I feel a lot secured.

thank you 老公

I hope that you can continue to be more sensitive, romantic & details.

hugs hugs~ muaks muaks

draw a ring

this morning, I get you a ring.

a heart shape ring.

my dear, I love you..

will you marry me? hehe please say 'yes' although it's just a drawing ring..

I miss you.

goodnight, my love. hope you have a wonderful week ahead

beautiful evening

19 November 2016

I had dinner with you and your family on this day. We were stressed and nervous. In the end we felt glad and relieved.

I'm happy meeting your family. I was very worried what if they don't accept me, what if they don't like me. I hope they can accept me. I hope they will like me.

Sitting together with your family, having dinner with them, it's very warm and sweet. Your father, your mother and your sister all have very warm and friendly smiles. They make me feel better. Hm, it makes me wonder why you don't smile much like them.

While you were busy playing TOS, I went to the river side and watched the sky. It was very beautiful. Too bad you didn't want to join me. wuhuhu. The sky was so beautiful. It's pity you missed it. Heh. I played the swing for a while. I felt so relaxed and happy. I even imagined that we can bring our kids here in future. While waiting for dinner, kids can play in playground just behind the restaurant.

My Dear, Thank you for the dinner. And thanks to your family for their time. I hope that they are not disappointed with me.

My Love, I'm glad to be your family. Muaks Muaks.

I love you.

I love piu~

馮業興

So yesterday I finally know how to write your Chinese name.
Aha, hehehe, you should learn how to write too.
馮業興 (this is the traditional chinese words)
and
冯业兴(this is the modern chinese words)
And it's not Yue Xin.
It's actually Ye Xing.

Picture: written by your mom

The Way We Were

Recently I'm into a drama, titled 'The Way We Were', Its Chinese name is 'Sixteen Summers' (16个夏天).

It's been a long time since I've watched drama or movie through TV channel. That I will feel to wait for it, and watch it when it's the time.

The story is about a gang of 5 friends. JiaNi (Ruby) loves WeiDe and WeiDe loves her too, but they always miss the chances getting together throughout 16 years. They have other 3 friends, JunJie that loves JiaNi. GuoQing that loves RuiRui. And RuiRui that loves JiaNi (yes, lesbian).

It's complicated. And it's sad ending too.

16 years ago, 1999, JiaNi and WeiDe confessed to each other by hinting but never passed the message to one another successfully. JunJie got injured for saving JiaNi. Thinking that himself cannot give happiness to Jiani, and thinking that JunJie can give her better life, WeiDe cowardly stepped back and left the gang.

In 2008, JiaNi and WeiDe coincidenly met.
But JiaNi and JunJie got married, and WeiDe had a fiancee.
They still love each other.
It's so sad. They had missed their chance.
JunJie betrayed JiaNi by having sex with RuiRui. JiaNi found out and was very hurt. She confronted RuiRui. RuiRui said she would leave for USA and eventually confessed that actually she loves JiaNi. RuiRui was upset that JunJie loves JiaNi, WeiDe loves JiaNi too, but why cant she love JiaNi too. JiaNi was shocked... and she chose to divorce JunJie...

3 years later...
All of them attended GuoQing's wedding and met again. Both JiaNi and WeiDe became single and available. They once again had the chance. They grabbed the chance I guess...
Too bad WeiDe was diagnosed with cancer. And he's dying soon. I'm not sure when they got married. but I know they were together when he was dying. They were holding hands when he left.

Even after WeiDe died, he prepared gifts for his wife. He actually wrote blog for his love since long time ago. There was a part which I found very touching. That he said.

Missing the chances is beautiful because it makes them to believe that they are really the ones for one another. Although they keep missing each other, they really really love each other.

There was also another part very touching. That she said during his funeral.
I don't want to miss him again. This will be the last time I miss him. When we meet again next time, we will be together forever (heaven).

Dear, I wish that you and I can be together till we are old. I wish that you and I will love each other forever. In the past, in SMK Methodist, in Kota Kinabalu, in Daro, you and I might have missed chances to meet each other and to love each other and to get together.

But I'm grateful that eventually now we have found each other. We finally get to see and love each other.

I love you, my love.

relaxing

I feel relaxed. it's very rare as im always tensed & busy. I feel relieved after letting go of the burden that my mom caused me so much stress. I don't have to face my naughty & disobedient students. I can wake up late & come home early. I love staying home. watching YouTube, listening to new songs, reading Facebook, watching some tv drama, reading some book.

and I anticipate & looking forward to our trips. I believe that we will be very happy & relaxed. I love you 老公

I hope that in future we still can on overseas trip alone together every year even after we have children or after we are old.

just you & me all the time.

muaks muaks~

BLUE

today I feel blue. I'm having tough time with my family. my mom especially gives me a lot of stress. I become very sad, angry & negative. i feel so blue.

today i miss you. i keep texting you but you seem not texting me much. i feel that you are distant, and cold.

i feel even more blue. when you wake up, you didn't text me. i wonder why. you started to forget me. i thought maybe ur angry at me or i upset you.

i miss you 老公.

hope you get well soon. recover asap. please take good care of urself. i love you.

btw, this noon i bought gingko for you already.

Love

老公, i feel little stressed of meeting your family. I woke up at midnight & couldn't stop thinking of it. im so scared that they wont like me. i hope that they can accept me.

after knowing that ur worried about coming weeks, I feel little sad. i think everything will be fine. meeting ur family. meeting ur friends. completing ur assignment. & our first overseas trip together.

im sorry that you feel so tired. but i will be with you all time. we will be fine. everything will be fine.

love you, honey. i love you. i hope that you can be happy everyday. I hope this photo can cheer you up.

I'm glad that our preparation for photoshooting is done. it's just for fun & experimental. i just wanna do something special together with you. some beautiful & unique memories we can create together.


thank you 老公

Love Tattoo

i feel very happy while hand drawing a heart shape on your arm. I love being naughty. & I love making you angry over little things like this. I always like to kacau you. you look so cute & funny when you are a little angry but not very angry. heh

I don't allow you to wipe it off. it's a love mark. hehe. I actually wanna write chris loves ivy. but afraid that you might get too angry so I gave up. i wanna see it again this afternoon.

you complained that I've drawn too big.
I said that this size is too small. next time I shall draw on your wrist, as big as a watch, as if you're wearing one on right wrist.

thank you, 老公, I love you. I hope that you will love the heart shape tattoo. because I wanna draw again in future.

muaks muaks~

Nightmare

I couldn't sleep well recently. Many dreams. Anxiety and tension. I am a person that is very attached to own emotions and memories.

I dreamed that you forgot to print our boarding pass. I dreamed that you forgot to buy our things. I dreamed that you told me that you loved someone else.

Dreams told me what I really feel deep in the bottom of my heart which I choose to ignore. I didn't expect that I will feel this sad. And I didn't expect that I would be this stressed.

My right eye always jumps this week. 

Superstitiously speaking, right eye jumping means for good thing happen.

Don't worry.

I will let it go.

And I will be happy.

\(^-^)/

Lazy Day

It's been a while that I could feel this lazy. No need to worry about entering classes. No need to do much school work. No need to leave school late.  Just read some book until I fall asleep on couch. Just do roses thing. Just feel the cool breeze due to the rainy day. Just need to sit down and online. Just need to play facebook, chat with auntie or friends, read some articles. Just need to listening to Daniela Andrade's singing. I'm so loving her voice. Her voice makes me feel so lazy and relaxed. 

When I was at Daesco today, with my colleagues, I kept thinking of you. I remember the Sushi King is your favorite cafe. Daseco is your favorite supermarket. I miss how you sit beside me, how you refill the hot water for green tea, how you keep me warm by hugging my arms, how you feed me sushi. I also miss how you help me to carry things in supermarket, how you hold my Ihand while carrying heavy grocery to your car. 

Lao gong, I miss you. Wuhuhu. The moment I miss you so much is you carrying my heavy stuff. haha

And also holding hand part too la...

You must be having a lazy day too, because you took a long nap. I hope that you could feel better after the nap. 

On a lazy day, I miss how we cuddle together on couch. Doing nothing, saying nothing, just cuddling together. Just love being lazy together. Khiak khiak

See you tomorrow, my love. Muaks Muaks. 

In the Middle the Week

You really came back.

I'm happy to see you.
How I wish that I can see you everyday. I wish that I can hug you everyday. Feel so nice to lie on your chest and listen to your heartbeat.

Seeing each other everyday seems to be impossible for us now, unless it's school holidays or you get transfer back to Sibu.
I feel happy every time I hear you say that you miss me and 'bu she de' me.
Because it means I'm not the only one feeling the same way.

Not weekend, today. It's middle of the week. And you purposely came back.
Thank you, Honey.
I love you.
Hugs Hugs.

It must be very tiring for you to drive so long hours back and forth in a day.
I'm happy that we spent 4 hours together today.

PS: Don't do it again in future, ok. I'm worried about your safety.

I miss you too.
Muaks Muaks.

Hmm

Apology is accepted.













And I love you too.

Learn to Understand Me Better

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-insight-womens-emotions-lal/

http://www.wikihow.com/Understand-Women

http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/08/what-women-really-want-in-a-relationship/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-the-questions/201401/six-keys-understanding-women

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10055799/Forgetful-husband-takes-out-full-page-ad-declaring-his-love.html

https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/forgetfulness-so-hurtful

Shoulder

Today I had a fight with my mother. I'm really very heartbroken. Everything she says hurts me so much. I'm really very disappointed with her. I don't want to talk to her anymore unless important matter.

My mother is not a mother. I believe that there are good mothers and also terrible mothers. And my mother is the worst mother. I hate her. But also I love her. I hate her so much that sometimes I wish her dead. I love her so much that I would feel lonely if she died. Very dramatic.

She should be the angel that loves me, protects me and care for me. But she never does so. That is why I'm so independent. I don't need her in my life. In fact, she needs me more than I need her. I always hope that I don't have her in my life. I always entertain her. I always try to please her. I always try to make her happy. But she is never satisfied. She takes me for granted. She bullies me. She doesn't love me like other normal mothers. She is never gentle, soft and caring. She is selfish, self-centered, narrow-minded, easily angered, emotional and childish.

I hate her.

I really hate her.

But still I really love her.

That is why I cannot leave her behind. Because she has only me. Because if I left her, she has nobody else to look after her. Sometimes I hope she and I can be like other mother and daughter, chatting happily and sharing everything. But I can't. It's impossible for me to chat nicely with her because she always angers me. It's impossible for me to share everything with her because she never approves of me and says negative comments towards my doing.

I'm tired of being a daughter, especially being her daughter. I feel so tired.

She should be the angel to protect me under her wings. Yet she hurts me with her words, her words as if arrow penetrates my heart.

My love. I'm blessed to have you. You to be the shoulder that I can lie on, cry on. You made my life better. You listened to me. You understand me. Thank you my love.

All I need is your shoulder. I want to lie on your shoulder and cry. My love, please never mistreat me like my mom does. Please don't break my heart like my mom does.

My love, I will always love you. I will always appreciate you.

I need you.

Love Yourself More

Dear Lao Gong

I'm waiting for you to come home although we are not staying at same house, yet. I'm looking forward to seeing you, being held hand by you, being hugged by you, and eating together with you. I love you. Muaks

Lao Gong, I feel sad that people always bully you. You look too kind and you are too kind. Please love yourself more. Please reject people's ridiculous request. They are so stupid and mean. I dislike them. I feel sad that you always being bullied. I hope that I could be there and scold them for you.

Lao Gong, Sayang sayang. Muaks Muaks. Hug Hug. I wish that you feel much better after telling me and me listening to you, and me scolding them for you. I wish that you let it go after knowing that I'm here for you. I hope that I have reduced your unhappiness by half.

Lao Gong, please drive safely home. I wish that we can hold hands until we are very old. I wish that you and I could be together forever. So please take good care of yourself.

Drive safely.

Protect yourself.

Love yourself more.

Because I love you.

The Letter

I just read your blog and I feel surprised to see the first letter I wrote to you. It's written on 22nd of June, and what a coincidence, that we get together on 22nd of July, one month right after that.

I still remember the moments I wrote this letter. It was the night before I left Daro. I felt something very strongly that night, about Daro. I wonder if it's loneliness or sadness. But I know that I really started to miss Daro. Nostalgic. I hated Daro, to be honest. Just like you, I also hated Daro. But I spent 5 years in Daro. Five years such a long time. During those 5 years, I wrote 3 books and completed my master course. The five year time caused me feel so sentimental that night. I always prayed to God that I wanted to leave Daro within 5 years. And God had answered to my prayer. Five years, He made it happen.

My best friend in Daro was PeiYing but she left earlier than me. And I was so alone. I was very grateful that at least I got you after she left. That's why I also always accompanied you back then. You and I always had stuff to talk about. And I felt so comfortable being together with you. I trusted you a lot as a friend. But I never thought too much, you know.  Because we never really had flirty or sparks thing happened between us. When I started to take leave, I started to miss the moments we had breakfast and dinner together, and our car rides too. But then I didn't think much.

Because I guess we would never be in love. I thought it's impossible for you to love me, and me to love. And I thought there're so many things that I didn't like you about you (but soon after we getting together, you quit smoking and lose weight). I didn't think much.

20th of June, I went back to Daro, To settle my transfer, pack my stuff and move away from Daro. I felt very alone actually. And luckily I had you back then. You accompanied me most of the time. I still remember that 22nd of June was a public holiday. That day you stayed at my quarters and helped me to pack my stuff while I was preparing my serah tugas documents. I was very touched. That day I thought that you were such a good friend. And I really prayed for you, you know. I really prayed to God so that He will prepare some girl who is kind and nice for you, to be your wife.

'You are such a nice person. But you're not mine' I thought.

Hm, now I'm happy because you're mine. Haha. =D

That night, after everything packed, after I settled everything, I felt so empty. It's like a dream that I came to Daro. And everything I experienced in Daro just like a dream. Even my transfer still like a dream. Everything is short.

And I realized that I had some feelings towards you that night. I knew that I have feelings for you. But I didn't want to develop it or confess to you or start anything with you. It seemed ridiculous to me that time. And I was very disappointed with love. In the past, I tried to love but I never made it.

I didn't want to try anymore.

So I wrote the letter. I didn't want to confess. I didn't want to start anything with you. I didn't even want to develop the feelings. I just wanted to write a letter to you. I hoped that you could change and improve yourself, to be a better man, and get together with a nice girl. I wished that you could be a happy man.

I wanted you to be a happy man.

And, I still want you to be a happy man.

I prayed to God that I didn't want to do anything, but if you were the one, let you be the one who confessed. To be honest, I never expected that you really would confess because I couldn't feel a bit of your love at all. you confessed to me at the right timing. And I didn't expect that the letter that I wrote could bring so much influence to you, and to me. I was surprised and touched when I first heard you said that actually you could first time sense my love in that letter.

I guess, you and I are really kinda connected.

My love. I'm grateful that I met you, know you, and in love with you. I wish that we could be loving forever. I also wish that you could be with me all the time as long as I live.

I love you, Muaks Muaks.

Tiring Day

Today I feel very tired. Before woke up, I already started my day in my dreams. I dreamed that I had fetched Catherine, Alice and Suok. And I also dreamed that I had to enter class 1F already. After getting up, I had to go through same thing again, but differently, of course. In dreams, all seemed difficult. In real life, it turned out to be okay.

Right after I reached my desk, Siew Ming already came to my desk and discussed the MAK sijil thing. I wanted to start early so that I can finish by this Friday as I won't be around school from next week onward because I will invigilate SPM exam. It took me some time to getting back the feelings on how to do mail merging. Always need recall back some time.

Then Suok suddenly informed me something while I was being very busy. I can't just ignore her as I think she must be very depressed. I hope I could at least help her to feel better. I then tried to seek some ways for her to figure it out in order to solve it.

I'm sorry I forgot to see your text and reply you. I'm sorry, Honey.

And I'm sorry that I made you feel bad. I didn't hurt you on purpose. You promised that you will come completely honest with me before we become couple. Then when I found out that you lied, of course suddenly I feel very insecure and uneasy.

This time I can forgive and forget you. But promise me that you won't lie to me again, okay? I really don like liars. Don't misuse my trust. Please, no matter what.

And I'm also sorry that I laughed when you were crying. I didn't make fun of you. I was just very relieved. And the way you cried really like manja-ing with me. I'm sorry that I didn't comfort you better. I love you, Lao Gong. I hope that you can be more honest with me. I feel bad after knowing that actually I have been burdened you without knowing the truth. Please share everything with me. I won't despise you. And I hope that I can know your situation more, regardless which kind of situation.

I had a very tiring day. Busy with classes, sijil thing, meeting, buying tomato juice etc for dad, feeding dad dinner, doing school work too. I always think that time is never enough.

At the end of the day, I wish that I can hug you to sleep.

Hugs Hugs, Honey.

I love you

Necklace & Earrings

I love those earrings & necklace because it's you who gave them to me as gift. I love them also because you said that I look beautiful wearing them. I want to wear them every Sunday if possible (match with my dress). I always wear decently to church on Sunday. I always wear dress and perform the best of me in front of God. And I believe that I look the best in those earrings & necklace. because you made me feel so.
老公 you started going church with me on 21August2016. it's been 2 months already. I feel very blissful & grateful that I have you by my side while we were listening to God's words. I know it's not easy for you. don't worry, okay. I will be there with you. I felt glad that you said you're getting used to going church with me.
Darling I have faith in you because I have faith in God who arranged you to love me & pamper me.
老公 I will always love you.

short honeymoon

it's like short honeymoon for us. but it's also like married life. my love, you are a great guy. you are so tortured because of me. you have to spend so much physical energy & mental strength while being together with me.
thank you for all you've done for me. thank you for accompanying when I feel upset & stressed facing my dad's health problem. thank you for bringing me here & there, and also carrying my heavy stuff for my family. thank you for feeding me & cheering me up, make me laugh always. thank you for being understanding & caring. thank you for being patient with my emo, sorrow, insecurity, stress, anxiety & fear. thank you for comforting me, wiping my tears & cheering me up.
you are a great guy. you are my world, honey.

I love you

Chris & Ivy

I was touched when I saw the roses. I don't wanna look too happy to encourage you to buy roses. to me  they are very expensive even though you think they are cheap (rm35-50 is expensive for me). but, honey , thank you for the roses. you said you still will give me roses when I become 50. I really felt very touched. so touched that I had to hold my tears. (hopefully you really will remember & do it when we turn to 50's)
老公 today is special. i kept recall how we met, how we became friends, how you confessed, how we started & how we compromised to maintain this relationship.
it's like a long & beautiful dream. thank you for being courageous to confess to me. thank you for loving me. thank you for being understanding & caring. thank you for pampering me. thank you for everything you've done. thank you, Chris.
I love you. I love looking at you when you look at somewhere else. your side face look handsome & manly. (from front you look more like a child) I love looking at you because I wanna make sure that you are real. before we get together, when we were just friends, sometimes in your car I would look at your face without you noticing. I started to have feelings towards you but I never wanna develop the feelings. because you never really showed any symptoms that proved your love. you are nice, kind, cute, intelligent & humorous. and also you are strong, handy in fixing , good driver and helpful friend. I always wonder why God didn't get you a good & kind girlfriend. I prayed for you, you know. I prayed to God hoping that He could give you a very good wife.
now I understand why. God reserved you for me & reserved me for you. I feel blessed to have you. I hope you too feel blessed.
dear, I wanna show my love towards you too. please teach me how to love you. how to show my love. I hope you love the card I made & the cake I bought. I hope that you can feel my love. muaks.
honey, I wanna grow old together with you. let's cuddle on couch even.when we are 50, 60, 70, 80, 90... ...
I love you. and I will always love you.
muaks muaks~

Happy 100 Day

My Love


Happy 100 Day.


I Love You.

A Long Day

always things happened in my life. my life has always been dramatic life. unexpected things keep occurring.
without any symptom, my father suddenly fallen ill seriously. he's been weak, lost appetite & immobile since last December. he always sleeps. he rather sleeps than to wake to eat.
i read article before saying that old people are like that. eat less, sleep more. never force old people to eat a lot. i then change my way. i want to leave no regrets. i told him to tell me whatever he wanna eat at anytime. i will try my best to get the food & let him have a taste of it. even though after school im tired, i still will go tapao for him. even almost reaching home, i still will turn to the certain shop & buy the food. even though mother disagreed to give him ice cream, i still will get for him. it's because i don't want to disappoint him. and also because im scared he might leave suddenly & i wish that he can get all he wants.i hope that i can fulfill all his wishes, at least in getting food he wants.
老公 im glad that u are there for me. i feel so much better when i see you. & i feel completely fine in your arms. i feel peace when we hug each other. 老公 thank you so much for today. you were so tired but you still wanted to stay with me. I love you.
i love my father. since 10 years ago, i keep telling myself that my father is very old & might leave anytime. i try to be mentally well prepared for it. however it's never enough preparation. im still scared. & in my heart i always cannot let him go. i always pray that he can stay with me at least until after my wedding day. i always wish that he can walk me down the aisle. for now, it's too much. i just pray that he can go without pain & struggle, and that i can be tough enough to face his leaving.
that day will come, no matter what. on that day, please be with me. please come to me, find me, hug me & comfort me. it will be the most heartbreaking day in my life.
im glad that i have you. i admit that im scared to pakto. but you always can make me feel better.
you are my sleeping pil.
and also you are my painkiller.
i love you, 老公.
muaks muaks.
please take good care of yourself so that you can take good care of me. please live healthily. please live long. please stay by my side. please don't leave me until we're very old. i want you to be there with me as long as i live.
i love you. 😘

One Day

Tomorrow is Day 100 of our relationship.
It's a miracle for me. I always easily gave up in love. I always thought I'm too crazy, too sensitive & too fragile in handling my emotions. I'm always scared that if I love someone too much, & when it doesn't end well, I will end my life too. that's how extreme I'm.
you're the only one that I gave so much trust to. that's why I accepted you & being together with you until now. it's really not easy for me to travel this far in love journey. it's a very huge step for me. giving my heart to you is like giving my life to you.
you were so insecure, depressed & moody at the beginning. I gave you comfort & stayed with you. I hope that you could do the same for me. I'm an emotional person. it's just I rarely show to anyone. and when I show it, it means im really very emotional already. please stay with me, love me, pamper me & comfort me especially during my period.
honey, I love you. if we break up now, I'll cry like dying. wuhuhu. whenever u break my heart, i also cry like dying. pakto is so difficult for me, you know. it's really very tough for me. for you, it's easy. but for me, it's super damn difficult.
I miss you. I miss your hugs very much. I feel safe in your arms. & I feel loved when I lie on your chest. I wish I could hug you anytime, lie on your chest & listen to your heartbeat anytime. my love, I'm sorry that im such an emotional & insecure girl. but please never scold me, hit me & break my heart.
I love you 老公. muaks muaks. let's looking forward to our day 100.
One day to our Day 100.

爱心 Paper Hearts

我是一个很复古的人。
我喜欢古典的东西。
我喜欢传统的文化。
我喜欢写诗、写文字。
我喜欢亲手做东西给喜欢的人。

我一直很希望可以收到我喜欢的人亲自做的礼物。
卡片也好。
玫瑰花也好。
折简单的爱心也好。

亲爱的，我们好不容易可以走到100天。
我真的很开心。
我从来没有想过跟一个人在一起那么久。
因为我每一次喜欢人，从来没有奢望过可以跟对方在一起，更没有奢望过可以跟对方在一起超过100天。
因为我的喜欢总是那么浅，那么淡，那么短暂，那么经不起考验。

我们可以在一起100天，对我来说，一点都不容易。
因为我是有恋爱恐惧症的女生。
我很害怕爱上人。
我很害怕被爱。
我很害怕谈恋爱。
因为我很害怕分手。

亲爱的，请原谅我无理的要求。
请原谅我的任性。
请原谅我的情绪化。

我是真的，真的，真的很想要收到你折的100个爱心。
每一天，一个爱心，代表你爱我的一颗心。
我很期待我们的100天。
因为那对我来说是那么地奇迹。

这100天里，你让我很幸福，却也让我很痛苦过。
无数次，我想要转身离开，我不想要继续了，因为谈恋爱对我来说真的是太困难了。

我是那么崇尚自由的人。
我是那么热爱独处的人。
可是你，让我愿意牺牲自由，愿意与你为伴。
我改变了很多。
是你所不知道的，因为你并没有见过从前的我。
从前的我像一只刺猬一样，没有人靠近得了我。

亲爱的，请你了解我的心。
请你懂得我爱人的方式。
也请你学习懂得如何爱我，好吗。

100个爱心，象征着我们爱情的开始。
也象征着我克服了爱情恐惧症。
请你包容我的神经敏感，还有小女生的浪漫细胞。

你所做的玫瑰花，我很珍惜。
你所亲手写的情书，我很珍惜。
我都很珍惜。

请你也懂得珍惜我的玻璃心。

我爱你。
倒数3天。

I love classics.
I love traditional culture.
I love poems.
I love words.
I love making things for person I love.

I always wish that I could receive some precious gift which is handmade by the person I love and loves me back.
Even a simple card.
Even a paper rose.
Even just a simple paper heart.

My Dear, it's not easy for us to survive 100 days.
I'm really very happy.
Before this, I have never thought of being together with someone for this long.
It's because every time I liked someone, I never wished to be together with someone, and of course never hoped to get together with someone for more than 100 days.
It's because the way I liked someone was always very light, very shallow, very short, very fragile.

You and I could get together for 100 days, to me, it's really very difficult, you know.
Because I have love phobia.
I'm afraid of loving someone.
I'm afraid of being loved.
I'm afraid to falling in love with someone.
Because I'm so so so afraid of breaking up with someone.

My Dear, please forgive me for my ridiculous request.
Please forgive me for being so stubborn.
Please forgive me for being so emotional.

I really, really, really wish to receive the 100 paper hearts that folded by you.
You will be the only one that could do this for me.
Every day, one paper heart, represent your heart in loving me.
I'm looking forward to our 100th day.
Because to me, it is such a big and unbelievable miracle.

In these 100 days, you made me feel blissful, but also made me feel suffered.
Many times, I thought of running away from this relationship, I admit that I'm a coward, I thought of ending this whole thing, because to me, falling in love with someone is really very tough for me.

I love freedom.
I love being alone.
But for you, I sacrificed my freedom, to spend time with you.
It's not easy for me to video call someone in mornings and nights.
It's not easy for me to report my daily routine to someone.
It's not easy for me to spend my whole day with someone without having private time myself.
It's not easy for me to make girlish stuff when dating, and when not dating.
It's very tough for me.
I changed a lot, which you didn't even notice, because you have never seen the person I was.
I was like a porcupine that nobody could ever able to approach me.

My Dear, please understand my heart.
Please understand the way I love you.
And please learn the way to love me,
Please?

To me, 100 paper hearts represent the beginning of our love journey.
More significantly, it also symbolizes that I have finally overcome my love phobia.
Please be patient with my sensitivity, and my little girl's fantasy romance.

The roses you made for me, I love them and appreciate them
The love you handwritten for me, I love it and appreciate it.
I appreciate everything that you handmade  for me.

My love, please too appreciate my heart that is as fragile as glass.

I love you.

Countdown 3 days.

见家长 Meeting Parents

我从来没有拍拖，所以也就不曾有过所谓的‘见男朋友家长’。
我见过朋友们的家长。通常我跟好朋友们的家长都相处得还不错。
不过我跟好朋友们是相识了很多年的那种。

隔了很久，我已经很久没有‘见’新的‘家长’。

我接受你之前，我要求你见我的父母，尤其是我的父亲。
你很紧张。
你紧张到拒绝我，不过冷静了以后，你还是鼓起勇气见我的父亲。
亲爱的，谢谢你。
对我来说，我的恋情，以及我的婚姻，都必须拥有我父母的祝福。
谢谢你，让我的父亲接受了你。
谢谢你，让我可以在我父母面前自然地谈起你。
谢谢你。
因为你是第一次正式‘见女朋友家长’。

本来我很想见你的父母，然而你父母不曾提过想见我。
我渐渐地失望。所以我不再提了。
我以为，你并没有想要我见他们。
我以为，只有我一个人热情。

殊不知，你受伤了，因为我退缩了。
对不起，亲爱的。
现在的我愿意‘见家长’。
尽管我是那么地紧张害怕。不过只要你在我身边，我就有向前冲的勇气了。
只因为我爱着你。

I haven't been in a relationship before this, so I haven't met any boyfriend's parents.
I met my best friends' parents. Usually I have good time with my best friends' family.
But my best friends and I have been very good friends like, for decades.

It's been a long while since I met 'new' parents.

Before I accepted you, I requested you to meet my parents first, especially my father.
You were so nervous.
You were so nervous until you rejected me immediately, but after some time, you calmed down and decided to meet my father.
My dear, thank you very much.
To me, my relationship and my marriage must have my parents' blessings.
Thank you, for making my father to accept you.
Thank you, for making me talk about you in front of my parents.
Thank you.
Because you officially met girlfriend's parents for the first time.

At first I was very anticipated to meet your parents however your parents never mentioned about meeting me.
Slowly I got disappointed and I didn't dare to mention it again.
I thought that you never wanted me to meet them
I thought that only I was excited and passionate.

Without noticing, you were hurt by me, because I stepped back.
I'm sorry, Honey.
Now I'm ready to meet your parents.
Even though I'm so nervous, anxious and afraid.
But as long as you are by my side, I have the courage to go forward to doing it.
Just because that I'm loving you deeply, my love.

小女生的浪漫 Every girls' fantasy

每一个女生都会憧憬自己的婚礼吧？
我从来不敢想象自己会有结婚的一天。
是你让我可以开始想象我要怎样的婚礼。

我喜欢自己动手做东西。
我知道你也喜欢。

常常，我跟你分享我天马行空的想法。
而你总是答应我稀奇古怪的要求。

我们要亲自做自己的爱情影片。
我们一起构思，要怎么样的旁白，要怎么样的演绎，还有要怎么样的地点。

我们要在巴厘岛自拍婚纱照。
我们一起找拍照的灵感，一起找拍照的衣服，还有一起找拍照要用的相机。

我们要自己设计晚宴的场地。
我们一起构思，决定场地要用两个主色，你爱的紫色还有我爱的白色，决定要把我们的爱情日记印出来然后拼成一个爱心，决定要找一个小黑板，写上冯老师以及爱蔚老师，决定要把你每一次送给我的玫瑰花，我每一次都作成干花，把它们放在相框里，然后展示给宴客看。

每一次我们一起讨论的时候，我都觉得很幸福。
因为你是那么地支持我。
因为你是那么地棒。
因为你总是可以做得出我所想要的东西。

你与我，是那么地契合。
亲爱的，你是最棒的。
谢谢你，你是我最大的幸福。
遇见你，让我体会了，爱与被爱。

我爱你。


I guess that every girl will fantasize own wedding.
Before this, I never dare to imagine that I might get married one day.
It's you who changed me, you made me to start fantasize my own wedding.

I love doing things with hands.
And you too.

I always share my weird thoughts with you.
And you always agree to all my funny requests.

We want to make our own love story video.
We come out together with own ideas, create the narrate dialogue, how to act, and where to do our video.

We want to take pre-wedding photos ourselves in Bali island.
We find the inspiration together, look for suitable dress or suit, and decide which camera to buy.

We want to design our own wedding reception venue.
We think of using two main colors, the purple you love and the white I love, decide to print out our love journal on purple papers and pin onto a white cloth as our photo booth, get a mini blackboard and write Cikgu Fong & Cikgu Ivy, and also not to forget every rose you gave me that I made into dried rose, we shall put them in photo frames and show to guests, showing them every little detail of our love journey.

Every time we discuss these little details, I feel so blissful and grateful.
Because you are so supportive.
Because you are so great.
Because you always can do everything that I want.

You and me, are perfect match.
You and me, are so compatible.
Dear, You are the Best.

Thank you so much.
You are the sweetest thing happened in my life.
To meet you.
To be loved by you.
And to love you.

I love you.

结婚*婚姻 Wedding*Marriage

结婚是一天的事请；婚姻却是一辈子的事请。

相爱的人自然想要结婚，跟对方在一起一生一世。
不过最重要的并不是结婚的大喜日子，却是结婚后的生活。

结婚，是人生中最大的决定。
轰轰烈烈，隆重盛世。
然而婚后的生活，才是人生最重要的决定。
细水长流，或者是吵吵闹闹。

我想要跟你结婚。
我想要跟你快乐地生活。
我想要跟你组织一个家庭。
我想要跟你一起度过每一天。
我想要在你难过的时刻，抱住你，拍拍你的背。
我想要在你快乐的时刻，看着你的笑，也跟着你笑。
我想要在你生病的时刻，陪伴在你身边，给你吃药，带你去看医生，还有好好照顾你。
我想要在你生气的时刻，拉拉你的手，对你说：老公，不要生气，不要为了这种人生气。因为你还有我。

老公，老公，老公。我喜欢跟你撒娇。
这一辈子，我只想跟你撒娇。
老公，我爱你哦。亲亲。

Getting married, is the biggest decision in our life.

Hence people always get married in a very grand way, 

However the most important decision in our life is deciding how to live our married life.

Either to live married life in peaceful way or in chaotic way.

I want to get married to you.

I want to live happily together with you.

I want to form a family with you.

I want to spend every day with you.

When you are sad, I want to hug you, patting on your back.

When you are happy, I want to look at your smile, and laugh together with you.

When you are sick, I want to stay beside you, give you medicine, bring you to doctor, and take good care of you.

When you are angry, I want to hold your hand, and said to you, 'Honey, don't get angry, don't be upset or disappointed with mean people, because you still have me'.

Lao Gong, Lao Gong, Lao Gong, I love acting cute with you.

For my life, I only want to act cute with you, and only you.

Lao Gong, I love you oh. Muaks Muaks. 

交换日记 Journal Exchange

我们交换日记长达三个月多。

“这个星期开始，我们开始写部落格吧。” 你说。

“嗯。”我答应。

你比较喜欢电子，我比较喜欢纸张。

不过我们都愿意为对方做对方喜欢的事情。

你为了我写日记在纸张上。

所以让我从今天开始将日记记载在部落格吧。

亲爱的，我爱你。

亲爱的，对不起。

亲爱的，我会学习爱你。

亲爱的，我知道你很好，我也知道你爱我疼我。

亲爱的，我都知道，我也会对你很好，很爱你，也很疼你。

爱情的道路上，并不容易。

从开始到现在，我们在一起了三个月呢。

我想要跟你在一起一辈子，想要跟你一起白头到老。

白头到老，是最浪漫的。

携子之手，与子偕老。

请记得牵我的手，直到最后一刻。

我爱你，冯月心。

We have exchanged our journals for more than three months. 

"Starting from this week, let's blog." You said.

"Ok." I agreed.

You love writing in electronic blogs, while I love writing on papers. 

But we are willingly to do things the person we love.

You have been writing journals on papers for the past three months, for me.

So, let me start blogging daily, starting from today, for you. 

Dear, I love you.

Dear, I'm sorry.

Dear, I will learn to love you.

Dear, I know that you are very good person, and I also know that you love me and pamper me a lot.

Dear, I know it all. And I will treat you very well too, I will love you and pamper you a lot.

It's not easy to travel on the pathway of love.

Since the beginning until now, we have been together for three months.

I want to be together with you forever, I want to grow old together with you, until our hair turn grey. 

"Bai Tou Dao Lao" (Grow old until hair turn grey), is the most romantic thing ever.

Let's hold each other's hand, And grow old together with each other.

Please, remember to hold my hand, until the final moment.

Fong Ngip Heng, I love you.